A bigger picture.

Look, we had our good days, the happy times, but they are fading away. Sooner or later, I will hate you and trust me, that feeling is going to be mutual.
I shall not deny that you are a pretty great person, and so, we deserve better. Yes, when I told you my decision and reason, it may seem ultimately the most selfish thing to do, still, I am crazy sorry that this is more than you and I can take. Pushing it to the limit is, really, NOT a good idea.
It is a difficult compromise, but that is all to it.

We don't always get what we want.

Do you know what I really want to do? I want to lie on my bed and fall asleep unknowingly while thinking of you and then wake up in the morning, stay in bed and continue to think of all the times about us and just be that way for a month, but I can't. I can't. I cannot even try to pretend that I like you because I really don't, and I can't think of all the times we hung out and laughed, because I don't remember your freaking face. And when I do, the image lets up after half a minute, for some goddamn noble reason. That is why I can't. 

I don't know, actually, if human nature does allow us to be deprived of what we want. It probably does. That explains a lot. Albeit, I still must say, I hate this deprived deprived state. I don't feel anything. I cannot be happy, angry, confused, or even sad. It is as if something in me died, and as usual, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

What's new.

And here I am, confused and wasted. That was how it is right from the end of it.

What more could I've done?

That cold reply was not suppose to be. I walked out a while ago and you cheerfully said bye. Well, that hurt. But maybe it was my fault, for hoping, missing, loving and wanting you too much for my own good. It was disappointment on my part, I can't deny there was rage, not at you or anyone else. At me. For never being good enough for you, for doing too little to have your love, for not meaning enough to you, for never ever going to be able to compare and being as much as your friends mean to you. I figured I had gone wrong somewhere. Maybe.
Probably is.

So wrong, so right.

Either I have tried, or I am done trying.
I have watched the scene. I have gone through the heartache again and again. I know what it feels like and I do not intend to experience it again. It is not friendly and nothing sweet. Perhaps, I have given up all hope; I have given up on you.

Now, tell me, did I do the right thing?

There is a fine line between whether you have tried and not know how to do it and when you have NOT tried and claim that you do not know how to do it. That is so you. You constantly think that you are everywhere helping out every damn person in the world but no, you are not.

I'm falling in love and it's falling apart,I need to find my way back to the start.

How pointless can this get?

I keep thinking of the things that will never be. It gives me false hopes, but it keeps me happy for that split second. I look at you in wonder if you will ever know, if I had made it the obvious. I spend hours working on subjects I hate, maybe one day if I am good enough, those grades will turn into straight A's. I read books I will never study because I just want to know if I might be happier being able to choose something she will never approve of.

Just wondering..

if I could erase memories in someone's head, what are the kinds I would erase? I decided on the happy memories. You see, if happy never existed, pain will never hurt. However,if you asked; why not erase the painful ones? The thing about pain is that you can never outrun it. You can ride it out and wait for it to subside, but life always makes more. 

Already gone.

I am backing out. I am not playing anymore. This is it. Call me a coward, a loser but I am terrified of getting hurt, so you play your little game with someone else. Without me. 

Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return.

14!

Happy birthday to me! Finally 14. 4 more torturous year till I am legal. hahahahah jk.

Love is so blind, it feels right when it's wrong.

Happy accidents.

"No matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We’d prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. It’s the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. All of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and its nice, or it takes some getting used to. Still, maybe you’ll find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones."

你一直問我的心到底在不在, 問我怎能不遺憾就丟失了愛. 而我的淚, 怎麼就流下來.

You'll be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground & I'll be the wings that keeps you heart in the clouds.

She carries her heart in her palms and lets it fall way too often.

I miss you more than I can bear, so much that it hurts.

Did I made it that easy to walk right in & out of my life?

Paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose.

I don't know how to be something you'll miss.

Our time together was just never quite enough.

In all these chaos, we found safety.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone who's in a rush to throw you away?

I hate how you convince yourself that you are over him when you are not, I hate how you loved him. I hate it.
and you so.
and if you're reading this, I hate how you cyber-stalk.

Did you believe,
You were gonna fix it all?

Just wants be strong 

in a world that has gone so wrong.

And so we, pretend nothing was ever wrong. maybe this state of denial will save us all.

If I didn't cared, I'd would've played you like a Ken Doll.

When it comes to you, I am never good enough.

And although I've made up my mind, my heart is refusing me.

The thing I think I love will surely bring me pain.

You can't play our broken strings.

We're running through the fire, when there's nothing left to say. It's like chasing the very last train, when we both know it's too late.

My feelings woke me up in the middle of the night.

What you were giving me were nothing but a heartless lullaby.

We are all somewhat damaged.

SHIT HAPPENS,









mostly to me so don't worry.

I am on my way to brighter days.

It's okay. I knew you'd leave.





Everyone does.

You weren't just a star to me, you were my whole damn sky.

This rain. These songs. It's all making my heart that has been screaming & crying in pain to realization how broken, abandoned & lonely it really is right now.


"When you're happy, you enjoy the music, but when you're sad, you understand the lyrics."- Frank Ocean.

 I got so high when you were with me, but crashed & craved when you left.

我承认，我需要你.

如今各自在人海流浪.

伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗?

Funny. You're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving.

我需要你.

I think your mouth should be quiet because it never tells the truth.

They are fucking everywhere.

Insensitive assholes everywhere.

I wasn't sure whether I missed him, or whether I was scared of my uncertain future.

Worst valentines'

Okay, the only good thing about today is that I am finally, very, super duper, sure that I am definitely going to get over you soon. You have a habit of tossing me away as and when you like & picking me up again, heal my scars, then toss me into the heap of thing you no longer have interesting. 

-

Shame on me but joke's on you.

Is it right?

Is it even right to feel this empty?

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.

"Change is constant."

Once upon a time, I came across a blog post which talked about change and there was this line that stuck, "Change is constant." From then, I have always thought change to be a hindrance. And however much I have grown to hate it, that very line stayed true.

Vivian caught me doing something stupid. something that included my wrist &; staple bullets. Yeah, I know; " Hello, 2013 already lah." but, what do you know?
I then when into tears because I realized how stupid I was. True, something happened right before this happened but, really I swear it definitely not because of that. It was because I need a excuse to let everything out. To get this overwhelming amount of sadness inside of me, out.

Cutting probably released 40% of the sadness shit & crying for 10 minutes plus released maybe 20% & as for the remaining 40%, I'd let it grow to be a cannot tahan state & I'll just repeat the damn cycle again.

If i ever take you for granted, hit me in the face and tell me what a fucktard i am.

To judge a man by his weakest link or deed is like judging the power of the ocean by one wave

Truckloads of love.

Who was I to believe more than that?

Along the way, I made myself believe that in your eyes, I was different, special, loved and irreplaceable. But time and again, I was proved wrong. I can never be the same as them. I was not on par. It was clear. You enjoyed much more with them. I was the unknowing substitute, or so it felt. Probably by some form of unsaid requirement, you told me the things I wanted to hear, said the things that made me laugh. However much I try, I can never be that golden, prized triangle in the unseen hierarchy. I was only, still am and will  be second best. Who was I to believe more than that?

Him.

He was just this silly boy who made me cry a lot. A silly boy who lied, and filled the gaps with "I love you" when he didn't know what else to say.

So what..

So what if I admitted that I miss you, that I still like you. It's not as if you feel the same way. You just want to hear me admitting those for you own entertainment, to feel significant, right?

Perfection.

He's perfection. I've never felt like this. I can't imagine anything I want more than having him by my side every day. It actually scares me.

If it helps...

If it helps in any way, the person who is hurting the most in all this is me. People like you don't come around often, and I may never meet another. If you ever find a way to forgive me, I will be waiting.

My gut feeling I guess.

"How did you know you loved him?" How did you know he was... well, the one?"


"Well, er... I just know, I guess, I just felt like everything was right with her, and the thought of being without her made me feel totally lost, it's just a gut feeling, you can't really explain it."

Those emotions you'd buried under a heap of egotistical bullshit. All the crappy phrases your friends had reel off to salve the wounds: "There's still plenty of fishes in the sea." or "We didn't really liked him anyways..."

Whenever I see you;

My mind goes "Damn. Get out of my sight. With you popping out every now & then will probably only make me spend a lot of time wanting something I simply cannot have."

Heartbroken men are like wild animals; running around with hysteria in their eyes, desperately trying to knock the dents out of their ego.

This is a love story.

Funny & sad, this is the story of two people destined never to come together in the great love affair they crave more than anything else.

Don't. Fall. Into. Them.

Who will be there to catch her when she falls? She is so fragile. She has so many secrets, and he is not that serious.

Go poke your own eyes & make yourself blind.

Really. If my looks affects you so much, go make yourself blind or something.

Why?

Oh, why am I so ugly? Gosh, I don't really know it myself. Maybe you could ask god why he created such an ugly creature?

Just fucking wondering.

If you were pretty but you had an ugly personality, does it still make you pretty? And the other way round; if you were ugly but have a pretty personality, does it still make you ugly?

Fucked up mind.

It keeps telling me "Bitch, you're ugly. What people said about you were true. Just fucking cut your wrist. Better yet, kill yourself. People as ugly as you don't deserve love. People as ugly as you shouldn't even exist."

That's what silly girls do.

You do not indulge in self-pity, you complete idiot of a person. You just don't, no matter how much they tell you that you suck and that you will never be one of the smarter ones there. No matter how much they look down on you. 
You do not sit there and sympathies yourself because that is what those silly girls do. To get out of this hell hole, you will just have prove yourself again. You use those people that laughed at you to your benefit, and you just have to suck it up when you feel like crap. 
You go back to the bitch you were because it is the only way out. You tried being that little saint that embraced everyone, but it did not work out. So if playing the angel was clearly the wrong move, you take a step back and play otherwise.

I need someone who..

I need someone who would make me say "You've got me thinking if forever really lasted.

All about timing.

I sat around, wondering the things that happened to us and concluded that we met at the wrong time that year. Perhaps if we knew each other much later, things might have been different. If things were not the way they were, there might have been a high possibility that everything worked out. 
Timing is such a funny thing, isn't it?

Dear you,

I do wonder with each passing day what will tear us apart. Right beside you, I get this sense of security out of nowhere. I hardly know you, but it feels as if everything has already fallen into place.
maybe, just like him, you will let go, for boredom or fun.
You should know though, that it has been a long time since anything felt this right.

Just wanna curl up under my blanket and fall asleep tonight, solely because it hurts too much to stay awake.

The past.

So this is the end of you and me.
We had a good run and I'm setting you free.
To do as you want, to do as you please... without me.
Remember when you were my boat and I was your sea?
Together we'd float so delicately,
but that was back when we could talk about anything.

If I was the person I was 2 months ago, I would've said this.

I love you, so yeah, just take your time, I'll wait.

 谢谢你曾经爱过我。

Everything will be okay, won't it? Everything will be alright when you wake up again because it is just another day.

"A friend told me to be honest with you, so here it goes. This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go."

I do miss you and I wish you were here because when you are, the world does not seem like a problem I cannot figure out.

2N2.

We should really get an award for being such a noisy class. Seriously.

Forever?

"I love you forever." "Forever? Until when is that?" 

Quiet.

You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you. Goodbye, my love. Don't cry. You know why? it'll be just as quiet when I leave, as it was when I first got here.

Bottom line..

I hope she loves you better. I hope she will understand you more than I did.

All so we can have a good time.

We live, we die, we give, we try, we kiss, we fight, all so we can have a good time.

I said I'd never let you go & I never did.
I said I'd never let you fall & I meant it.
If you didn't have this chance then I never did.
You'll always find me right there, again I'm going crazy.

Love is nice when it's understood.

Even nicer when it makes you feel good.

Say hello to goodbye.

"It's gone forever. No more tries, you & I. Not now, not ever."

Hush now..

Hush now. Go ahead, close your eyes & fall asleep.

Here's a little story.

There's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how may times it's sent away.

"It was like I was drowning and you saved me."-Grey's Anatomy

You're make me go...

When I saw you, I wanted to run in the opposite direction. Not that I knew for sure which direction I was supposed to run to in the first place.

I have a strong urge to break your face right now.

It comes to a point where holding on seems so meaningless that you cannot stand it but move on.

Why am I so damn average?

 I admit, I don't really like myself for who I am. I am not pretty, smart, popular nor confident. I am just typical girl next door and I hate that. I hate being average.

self esteem = non existent

Too far from perfection.

Thank you.

Thank you for hurting me beyond repair.