Did you believe,
You were gonna fix it all?

Just wants be strong 

in a world that has gone so wrong.

And so we, pretend nothing was ever wrong. maybe this state of denial will save us all.

If I didn't cared, I'd would've played you like a Ken Doll.

When it comes to you, I am never good enough.

And although I've made up my mind, my heart is refusing me.

The thing I think I love will surely bring me pain.

You can't play our broken strings.

We're running through the fire, when there's nothing left to say. It's like chasing the very last train, when we both know it's too late.

My feelings woke me up in the middle of the night.

What you were giving me were nothing but a heartless lullaby.

We are all somewhat damaged.

SHIT HAPPENS,









mostly to me so don't worry.

I am on my way to brighter days.

It's okay. I knew you'd leave.





Everyone does.

You weren't just a star to me, you were my whole damn sky.

This rain. These songs. It's all making my heart that has been screaming & crying in pain to realization how broken, abandoned & lonely it really is right now.


"When you're happy, you enjoy the music, but when you're sad, you understand the lyrics."- Frank Ocean.

 I got so high when you were with me, but crashed & craved when you left.

我承认，我需要你.

如今各自在人海流浪.

伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗?

Funny. You're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving.

我需要你.

I think your mouth should be quiet because it never tells the truth.

They are fucking everywhere.

Insensitive assholes everywhere.

I wasn't sure whether I missed him, or whether I was scared of my uncertain future.

Worst valentines'

Okay, the only good thing about today is that I am finally, very, super duper, sure that I am definitely going to get over you soon. You have a habit of tossing me away as and when you like & picking me up again, heal my scars, then toss me into the heap of thing you no longer have interesting. 

-

Shame on me but joke's on you.

Is it right?

Is it even right to feel this empty?

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.

"Change is constant."

Once upon a time, I came across a blog post which talked about change and there was this line that stuck, "Change is constant." From then, I have always thought change to be a hindrance. And however much I have grown to hate it, that very line stayed true.

Vivian caught me doing something stupid. something that included my wrist &; staple bullets. Yeah, I know; " Hello, 2013 already lah." but, what do you know?
I then when into tears because I realized how stupid I was. True, something happened right before this happened but, really I swear it definitely not because of that. It was because I need a excuse to let everything out. To get this overwhelming amount of sadness inside of me, out.

Cutting probably released 40% of the sadness shit & crying for 10 minutes plus released maybe 20% & as for the remaining 40%, I'd let it grow to be a cannot tahan state & I'll just repeat the damn cycle again.

If i ever take you for granted, hit me in the face and tell me what a fucktard i am.

To judge a man by his weakest link or deed is like judging the power of the ocean by one wave

Truckloads of love.

Who was I to believe more than that?

Along the way, I made myself believe that in your eyes, I was different, special, loved and irreplaceable. But time and again, I was proved wrong. I can never be the same as them. I was not on par. It was clear. You enjoyed much more with them. I was the unknowing substitute, or so it felt. Probably by some form of unsaid requirement, you told me the things I wanted to hear, said the things that made me laugh. However much I try, I can never be that golden, prized triangle in the unseen hierarchy. I was only, still am and will  be second best. Who was I to believe more than that?

Him.

He was just this silly boy who made me cry a lot. A silly boy who lied, and filled the gaps with "I love you" when he didn't know what else to say.

So what..

So what if I admitted that I miss you, that I still like you. It's not as if you feel the same way. You just want to hear me admitting those for you own entertainment, to feel significant, right?

Perfection.

He's perfection. I've never felt like this. I can't imagine anything I want more than having him by my side every day. It actually scares me.

If it helps...

If it helps in any way, the person who is hurting the most in all this is me. People like you don't come around often, and I may never meet another. If you ever find a way to forgive me, I will be waiting.

My gut feeling I guess.

"How did you know you loved him?" How did you know he was... well, the one?"


"Well, er... I just know, I guess, I just felt like everything was right with her, and the thought of being without her made me feel totally lost, it's just a gut feeling, you can't really explain it."

Those emotions you'd buried under a heap of egotistical bullshit. All the crappy phrases your friends had reel off to salve the wounds: "There's still plenty of fishes in the sea." or "We didn't really liked him anyways..."

Whenever I see you;

My mind goes "Damn. Get out of my sight. With you popping out every now & then will probably only make me spend a lot of time wanting something I simply cannot have."

Heartbroken men are like wild animals; running around with hysteria in their eyes, desperately trying to knock the dents out of their ego.

This is a love story.

Funny & sad, this is the story of two people destined never to come together in the great love affair they crave more than anything else.

Don't. Fall. Into. Them.

Who will be there to catch her when she falls? She is so fragile. She has so many secrets, and he is not that serious.

Go poke your own eyes & make yourself blind.

Really. If my looks affects you so much, go make yourself blind or something.

Why?

Oh, why am I so ugly? Gosh, I don't really know it myself. Maybe you could ask god why he created such an ugly creature?

Just fucking wondering.

If you were pretty but you had an ugly personality, does it still make you pretty? And the other way round; if you were ugly but have a pretty personality, does it still make you ugly?

Fucked up mind.

It keeps telling me "Bitch, you're ugly. What people said about you were true. Just fucking cut your wrist. Better yet, kill yourself. People as ugly as you don't deserve love. People as ugly as you shouldn't even exist."

That's what silly girls do.

You do not indulge in self-pity, you complete idiot of a person. You just don't, no matter how much they tell you that you suck and that you will never be one of the smarter ones there. No matter how much they look down on you. 
You do not sit there and sympathies yourself because that is what those silly girls do. To get out of this hell hole, you will just have prove yourself again. You use those people that laughed at you to your benefit, and you just have to suck it up when you feel like crap. 
You go back to the bitch you were because it is the only way out. You tried being that little saint that embraced everyone, but it did not work out. So if playing the angel was clearly the wrong move, you take a step back and play otherwise.

I need someone who..

I need someone who would make me say "You've got me thinking if forever really lasted.

All about timing.

I sat around, wondering the things that happened to us and concluded that we met at the wrong time that year. Perhaps if we knew each other much later, things might have been different. If things were not the way they were, there might have been a high possibility that everything worked out. 
Timing is such a funny thing, isn't it?

Dear you,

I do wonder with each passing day what will tear us apart. Right beside you, I get this sense of security out of nowhere. I hardly know you, but it feels as if everything has already fallen into place.
maybe, just like him, you will let go, for boredom or fun.
You should know though, that it has been a long time since anything felt this right.

Just wanna curl up under my blanket and fall asleep tonight, solely because it hurts too much to stay awake.

The past.

So this is the end of you and me.
We had a good run and I'm setting you free.
To do as you want, to do as you please... without me.
Remember when you were my boat and I was your sea?
Together we'd float so delicately,
but that was back when we could talk about anything.

If I was the person I was 2 months ago, I would've said this.

I love you, so yeah, just take your time, I'll wait.

 谢谢你曾经爱过我。

Everything will be okay, won't it? Everything will be alright when you wake up again because it is just another day.

"A friend told me to be honest with you, so here it goes. This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go."

I do miss you and I wish you were here because when you are, the world does not seem like a problem I cannot figure out.

2N2.

We should really get an award for being such a noisy class. Seriously.

Forever?

"I love you forever." "Forever? Until when is that?" 

Quiet.

You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you. Goodbye, my love. Don't cry. You know why? it'll be just as quiet when I leave, as it was when I first got here.

Bottom line..

I hope she loves you better. I hope she will understand you more than I did.

All so we can have a good time.

We live, we die, we give, we try, we kiss, we fight, all so we can have a good time.

I said I'd never let you go & I never did.
I said I'd never let you fall & I meant it.
If you didn't have this chance then I never did.
You'll always find me right there, again I'm going crazy.

Love is nice when it's understood.

Even nicer when it makes you feel good.

Say hello to goodbye.

"It's gone forever. No more tries, you & I. Not now, not ever."

Hush now..

Hush now. Go ahead, close your eyes & fall asleep.

Here's a little story.

There's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how may times it's sent away.

"It was like I was drowning and you saved me."-Grey's Anatomy

You're make me go...

When I saw you, I wanted to run in the opposite direction. Not that I knew for sure which direction I was supposed to run to in the first place.

I have a strong urge to break your face right now.

It comes to a point where holding on seems so meaningless that you cannot stand it but move on.

Why am I so damn average?

 I admit, I don't really like myself for who I am. I am not pretty, smart, popular nor confident. I am just typical girl next door and I hate that. I hate being average.

self esteem = non existent

Too far from perfection.

Thank you.

Thank you for hurting me beyond repair.

Promises?

I am not the kind that hold onto promises. You should have figured that out. I don't, not unless they are the huge ones that involve me as largely as it involves you.
I am pretty selfish, I admit. I think of no one but myself. Partly because I am afraid I go back to striving for the things I once struggled with, partly because of sheer narcissism and conceit. I am not as noble as you think. Between my life and yours, I would think of mine more valuable and the only reason I would allow you to retain yours and sacrifice mine would be due to some sort of reason that will eventually benefit me, afterlife or so.
I am self-absorbed in my both my fortune and misfortune. Sometimes I think I am the luckiest girl alive, sometimes not. Clearly. Albeit, you do not mean more to me than I do. I am really truly honestly and in the frankest manner not as generous and noble as you assume, believe and hope for.
I am ugly, inside out. Even Frankenstein has a better reason than I do to be alive. No doubt he created a monster, at least he wanted to destroy it. Me? I tame the monster.


But hey, I warned you.

I don't want to be judged.

There are feelings and things which I choose to keep entirely to myself so that I can drown in them as and when I wish, without being judged.

It's is just me?

Longing for someone you no longer have.

Karma does have a way of coming around.

It is time..

It is time to put it all behind.

Sympathy, by far the most useless emotion ever.

Starting to feel as if you're doing all this out of sympathy. You know, like you've lost all your feelings for me but you know my feelings for you hasn't changed for you so you feel kind of bad because you know you'll move on & i'll still be here like a fool. Considerate but cruel. Sorry, I don't need your sympathy. Not from someone like you.

Hoping like a bitch here.

When all is said and done, we can only hope for the best.

Never for another guy.

This time, I won't be choking in between sobs. I won't care if you leave. I'd let you die. I won't bother if you leave and never come back. This time, I get to be the conceited bitch. So dear you, just go. I am begging you not to make the whole goodbye harder to take than it already is. Think of it as some form of help for someone whose feelings have been ravaged time and again.

Fuck you.

Never mind. Forget it. Friends, k settled. Or do you want to be something lesser? Strangers? I don't mind. You called me dog. Yeah, how dog & human be friends, right? I am a dog, correct. Something that will love you probably more then itself. 

Seriously, I don't feel like I know you anymore. Or better yet, I have never knew you from the start. Really. What you said? Heng I girl? Don't fuck with me k. 

Its as if 
The person I fell for? Gone.
The person who said he liked me? Gone.
The person who would've never used my weakness against me? Gone.
The person who would've never considered lying his hands on me? Gone.

I am starting to think love got me all blinded. How could I've fell for someone like you? And I am starting to wonder if you ever liked me in the first place or all this is just a sick joke. Want to know something? Yeah I did cried when we were arguing yesterday night. Hahah oh what have I got myself into.

You're scared. Am I not correct? You're scared of getting hurt so you hurt people before they can hurt you. 

Just because I like you, it doesn't mean you can take advantage of that. You leaving me hanging again & again, clearly doesn't give you a position to scold me when I am all chill with the fact that you still want to be friends.

And that habit of yours... the "I know what you;'re thinking" habit. Fuck you la. You think you superhero issit? I have never ever said anything about your looks. Come on, you look fine k. Stop being insecure, it's not attractive. Don't have phone till feb? But you have computer right? Have Facebook & Twitter right? I have never once said "Oh, you no phone. Cannot be together. Cannot talk." I also never say need meet you straight away. What's wrong with waiting till feb? It's not that far lol.

You're right. There IS no meaning in any of this left. 

What went wrong?

It was just like that morning. That stuffy morning in bed, where everything felt so surreal and all I could think of was what went wrong.

I know...

I know I mess things up sometimes, but I really try.

"Us"? No such.

Sometimes, 'sorry' simply does not suffice anymore because that is no longer what I want to hear. This word, it is overused between us. I want to know that you screwed up, that it was not meant to happen, that even when things do not go the way it should be, it will not change a thing.
Yet, lately, I cannot help but admit that I am pretty tired of this whole stratagem. It is melodramatic and unnecessary and I thought you should want to know that I want out here.

I am not..

I am not gonna think I was never good enough cause I know I gave my best.
I am not gonna to hate you cause it's irritating. To hate somebody, you have to observe everything the other party does so when he/she does something wrong, that's when you go in & pick on he/she, rub it in their face.
I am not gonna find someone else just to get you off my mind cause that's just cruel & I'd be lying to myself & that might also mean I am trying to get your attention, which.... it's probably something I don't wanna do.
I am not gonna avoid you cause duhhhhhhh it's your lost. HEHEHE.
I am not gonna be all sad cause I can't. I am actually fucking happy at how everything is right now. But maybe except the fact that sometimes I'd get a little lonely but problem is I don't really feel like talking to people anymore. Shit, am I showing signs of being an anti-social? 
I am not gonna regret anything cause the memories you gave... It was nice. 
I am not gonna miss you. I would only miss the memories we had.
I am not gonna ignore you if you try to talk to me someday. Cause I need you to realize how well I am actually doing WITHOUT you. 

I am not gonna cry myself to sleep at night because of you.

You.

You're the best yet at the same time, worse thing that has happened to me.

Trouble.. Trouble.. Trouble...

So sick.

I am so sick of have feelings, emotions, whatever they are called.

Human nature?

We tend to care more than we should, despite knowing half the time, it will come to naught.

I am okay. 
I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay.
I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

I am okay. 

Wise words.

"You do not have to forget him. You can hold on as long as you want to. But i am telling you, move on. because while you are here hurting, he is living each moment right. He still consumes each day with joy.You see, life does not stop for anyone. And so i am telling you to move on. You deserve to be happy too."

Plastic girl!

No name to be mentioned. 
Just kidding. This post special k?

Charmaine, AKA plastic girl, is a good friend uh. Okay maybe average. No, just kidding again. She's the worst kind of friend you can ever have. Those kind that smiles & act like she really really cherish the friendship but goes around your back talking bad about you & probably the one who starts spreading rumors about you type of "friend". Those fucking fake people that you don't understand why they want to stick around you when there's better things out there to do.

2012.

Sometimes,  I look back upon everything I have been through- the good, the bad & the ugly. But nothing was like that year. That year that I was actually genuinely happy and carefree. That year which everything I wanted came true. That year that identifies me today.

This is sempiternal ... 

Goodbyes..

Goodbyes are so hard. There are the parting smiles to deal with, the view of their backs when they leave. It would have been easier if they did not have to walk away, especially the ones that meant so much once upon a time.


Except that this time, I am the one walking away.
Finally.

Best friends.

Those are the kind that fix you up when you are at your lowest.

When you start letting go.

I love this overwhelming, warm, fuzzy feeling. It's like nothing can go wrong.

-

New year, same shit. 

Sigh sigh sigh. 

Okay, seriously... the only reason why I am going to start blogging is; I find myself expressing how I feel while typing better than talking to anyone face to face. Idk. Weird me? Hahah.